Sunday, February 7, 2010

Trust - what is it good for....everything!

There have been times when I was right and my doctor was wrong, and I saved my life. I try not to see it as an unfaithful partner who I can no longer trust, but as a human error. Not intentional or ego-driven like an affair, but, as a miss-interpretation about what was happening to my body. But, it is still hard to continue to go faithfully down the road to wellness together wondering if it will ever occur again. There is always some doubt in the back of my mind whether he (we) are making the best and right decisions. Should I switch to a new medicine protocol and face a new set of side-effects when I’m familiar with the ones I have gotten to know, skin cancers and all? Or, do I hope on a new train traveling down a new unfamiliar track, where, my skin cancers may subside, yet, there will be a new truck load of side effects to live with? So, how do I trust thee? Let me count the ways. I trust that you will know how to deal with these new side-effects and that you will know whether we should return to what is familiar. I trust that you have the latest information on these new medications and what I might be up against. I trust that if I take this new medication and something unforeseen happens to me, you will not throw up your arms and go, “wow, we’ve never seen this before.” This is what I trust. I also remind myself you are human and error is possible.

As an active fifteen year old, how was I to know that one day I would wake up feeling nauseous and tired and that the body I had trusted was breaking down before its expiration date. I trusted that if I took care of my body and I didn’t smoke, didn’t drink or use drugs, my body would stay strong and fit until old age. At fifteen I probably thought the worse thing that could happen to me was falling on the ski slope and breaking a leg. I guess I did not give much thought to teenagers getting life-threatening illnesses, falling into comas or contracting hepatitis. Those kinds of things happened to older folks.

So, where am I with trust today? That is a difficult question, but what that I believe helps me is that no matter what, I believe I will be OK. Even if I get sick or I'm in pain, I have a deep-seated belief that, this too shall pass. Sometimes, it's hard to write this truth when I see all the suffering in the world, but it has worked for me to hang onto this belief. It really comes down to what works for you. What do you believe about living with a chronic illness? What do you trust and what don't you trust? It's important to know this.
Be well in body, mind & spirit!

1 comment:

  1. I really like your writing style and the wisdom of your journey. I have Fuchs' Corneal Dystrophy and have had a transplant in one eye. It is great to read the thoughts of someone going through the same/similar struggles with the medical professionals we depend on. It is strengthening to hear your story and challenge to make the best decisions in an imperfect system with uncertain outcomes. If you are interested in checking out my blog, it is